Bengfort.com

Unproductive Productivity

I’m sitting in my office, staring at my computer, wondering how this outline of a document I just wrote will ever get filled in. The Word file stares back at me, unblinking, unkind, and uncaring. Three weeks ago, in a fit of motivation, I wrote the headings for this document- Introduction, Problem Scope and Motivation, Approach, Approach Evaluation, Conclusion. If that seems non-descriptive, you’re right, and this skeleton of a document is not helping me at all.

My downfall for the past three weeks has not been procrastination or distraction (although I have been battling the two as well), the downfall of this document has been the pseudo-productive task that has driven me away from accomplishing this necessary creative work, but left me feeling satisfied as though I had achieved useful progress. It is only three weeks later that I can see those tasks for what they really were- especially as the glow of the screen shows me my empty document.

It is hard to work at home, I’ve concluded. But I knew that before I undertook my thesis in Arlington instead of Fargo. I moved so that I could be closer to Jaci- and we both knew that I would need a good work environment. So we rented a house with two floors- intending the upper floor to be the work area. A bit optimistically, we thought that separate living and work areas would be better for me to work in because I could “go to work” by going upstairs at 9 and “come home” by coming downstairs at 5.  So far it has been mostly successful, but dog still demands attention, no matter which floor I’m on.

What ends up happening is that I take on tasks that seem productive, short term items that are usually completed quickly. They are errands, server updates, bits of code and script that I want to try out, updates to my resume, searching for a job, etc. They nicely get checked off my to-do list, and when 5 comes along, and Jaci comes home, I’m ready for a seemingly deserved relaxing evening. It is a tyranny that demands my time, and siphons my creative process away from my necessary work.

And as I stare at the shell of the document, it becomes clear, for the first time in my life, I think I have writers block! Too bad it is on something so important. The cursor at the end of the title of this document blinks at me reminding me that it is: “Resource Allocation in Hybrid Wireless Networks; A Proposal for Masters Thesis Work at NDSU”. So dear reader, please any advice you can give on breaking the deadlock would be much appreciated!

Ah, another task to check off my list: “complete blog post about pseudo-productive tasks” … doh.

A Factory Tour

Tim and I decided that to deter boredom on a Monday in Arlington while Jaci was at work- we could take a tour of the Boeing plant in Everett. Because of my experience at Porsche in Stuttgart I figured that it would be a PR junket for the company, and probably a large gift shop with very worthless (but expensive) logo gear. Cynical as I may have been, I assumed that at the very least, there might be some good history to learn; and it was a nice day to watch airplanes land and take off at Paine field. Anyway, we both figured it wouldn’t be something Jaci would be interested in- so we may as well check it out since we had the chance. Little did we know that we were in for a very pleasant surprise because the tour was absolutely riveting and educational!

At the Boeing Plant

When I looked online for Boeing tours, I discovered that this was actually a premier tourist attraction. I thought that we could probably just show up at the Future of Flight building- a tiny Boeing museum near the main plant, and that we would be able to get in on a simple tour of the grounds. I did not expect that we would need reservations (we did, we almost didn’t get tickets because we called the day before) and that usually the 6 scheduled 90 minute tours would fill up quickly. The tickets got you into the main plant- we were escorted there by bus- and we could see the entire factory floor, plus access to the interactive Boeing experience, and the Stratodeck to observe flight operations at Paine Field! They cost $15.50 a person, twice as much as a movie ticket, but very worth it!

The Largest Building in the World by Volume

Before entering the tour, we were asked by a well armed guard to lock our cell phones, cameras, and any other electronic gear in a rental locker. We weren’t sure if this was to stop industrial espionage, equipment interference, or flashes but the security was very tight. Other restrictions included a height restriction, and advice that if you couldn’t descend and climb 21 steep stairs or walk a kilometer they would have to provide an accessible option apart from the main group. This only made me positive that we were going to see some cool stuff, though!

Landing in Front of the Plant

After a short introductory video, we clambered aboard a very nice, modern coach bus for a short drive from the Future of Flight Building, across an access road that skirted the Paine Field runway, to the main manufacturing building. Along the way we passed dozens of brand new jets parked on the tarmac outside paint hangers and other support and fuel buildings. Soon, though, we were parked in front of a massive hanger door.

If you have ever been down the Mulkiteo Speedway, you will have noticed this humongous  hanger complex that is the largest building in the world by volume. In fact, you could fit all of the Walt Disney World  theme park inside of this building and still have room for an indoor parking lot that could hold 1200 cars! The doors, painted blue with Boeing logos are roughly the size of American football fields- 90 feet high by 300 feet long! It looks big, certainly, but when you are standing, engulfed by those doors, it makes you feel downright Lilliputian!

Assembling Twin-Aisle, Wide Body Aircraft

The tour guide (Paul) led us down into an access tunnel that was a kilometer long- each of the 6 manufacturing bays have one. The tunnel runs pipes, cords, and people safely below the assembly floor- in fact, it is used by Boeing employees for exercise during bad weather! The tunnel was long, well lit, and had a laminated concrete floor. I could just envision all the fun things I could do in that tunnel with roller blades, bikes, moving dollies and a tow rope (or vegetable oil and a mattress)…

Halfway down the tunnel we came to a giant freight elevator that took us to the top floor of the middle of the E-shed. The floor was a visitors lobby with security guards, speakers for the tour guide and an amazing overlook view of the 747-8 Assembly station! Previous, smaller jets like the 727 and 737 had been manufactured by a moving assembly line (picture a giant scaffolding on wheels that grew over an aircraft being assembled as it moved down the assembly floor). Unfortunately the 747 was much to massive to be assembled in this way- so it is assembled in static stations.

In the front bay doors are giant aluminum sheet metal cutters, then stations for wing assembly. Wing skeletons are then connected with their control structures in a wing assembly area. The fuselage also has separate assembly structures running gown the far end of the bay. Then coming back down the other side of the bay all the pieces are put together. First, the central fuselage piece are attached to the wings, then the plane moves forward to a giant oven that cures the sealant. The plane moves forward where the front fuselage and tail pieces are moved by ceiling crane to be affixed the central portion and wings. This assembly area has air wing shaped concrete platforms that perfectly fit the growing aircraft. These structures are also used for access to add wiring and other control and structural elements.

Throttle Controls in the 727

After the main assembly, the landing gear is placed on the aircraft, from which point it moves forward as a single structure. Two more angled parking spots allow the plant workers to add the interior as well as do any testing and structural work that needs to be done. Needless to say, this bay is big enough for 5 747 aircraft lined up from nose to tail with space between! It is a massive scale! Sorry that I don’t have pictures- but again, they wouldn’t allow us to bring the camera on the tour.

A Stunning View

Too soon we were pulled from the overlook to move on with the rest of the tour. 747s are awesome, humongous, recognizable aircraft, and to see their birth was pretty extraordinary. However, as we went back down the tunnel to be transported by the bus to the new hangers, we were in for a similar surprise.

The new hangers were built to create the new 777 and 787 aircraft. As before we were taken to a tunnel to be lifted to the top overlook floor. However, the top overlook floor for the 777 and 787 bays was much, much nicer. Digital TVs, scale models, carpet, and sofas greeted us along with the fabulous view of the future of the airline industry (and its pretty cool present).

Landing Gear

If you don’t know too much about the aircraft that carry you when you travel, it may be a surprise to you that there are only really 2 companies that manufacturer your ride- Airbus and Boeing. Boeing aircraft used to be dominant in an airline’s fleet, but Airbus’ sleeker, more efficient planes soon gained a significant market share (think PC vs. Mac). While the 747 had been the workhorse of International Travel – the A340/380 could carry more passengers, farther, for less fuel. Boeing’s answer was the 777.

The 777 is a twin-aisle wide bodied, twin engine aircraft with the farthest range of any commercial aircraft, ever. It is sleek, fuel efficient, and it is the airframe that has carried me back and forth across the Atlantic all except one time. It is an amazing piece of engineering with over 6 million components. In fact the landing gear (seen above) is so high tech, it is the single most expensive component on the plane except for the engines!

We were treated by  a view of the moving assembly line that creates the 777. The line- a scaffold on wheels that grows over aircraft as it is assembled – moves at 1.6 feet per minute and can be accessed by stair by the workers. Once again, overhead cranes carry pieces of the aircraft from their assembly bays to the moving line. We watched as the 35th 777 for Egypt Air was being finalized on the cleanest factory floor I’ve ever seen.

However, the 777 is not the future. The future is Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner aircraft that just had its first flight a few weeks ago.

The Future of Flight

Walking around a partition in the gallery we came to a view of the newest bay that is now being used to assemble the 787 Dreamliner. The 787 is a modern 250 seat aircraft that is made of lightweight, stronger than steel composite material. The modern GE engines are super fuel efficient, and that combined with its light weight gives the 787 an excellent range at highly economic costs.

The stronger material also allows the aircraft to be pressurized at 6000 feet, way more comfortable than the 8000 FAA mandated pressure that is normal now. In addition, the air is humidified, which means no more dry mouth! The composite wings also can bend 12 feet in either direction- meaning that they absorb much of the turbulence! Very soon, airline passengers should be treated to lower cost, way more comfortable flights on these amazing aircraft!

Flight Cone

787s are manufactured in a completely new way as well. Parts are no longer manufactured at the Boeing plant, but completed and integrated in specialty plants around the world. They are flown to the Everett plant via the Dreamlifter- a mega lifter created specially by Boeing for the job- essentially a modified 747 whose upper deck has been extended the entire length of the aircraft (it looks like a giant hot dog). The tail is on a giant hinge that can swing out to load entire sections of the 787 at once! Once flown to Everett, the Dreamliner can be assembled at a rate of one aircraft every three days!

To manage the global dispersion of the 787 manufacturing, the newest bay has a modern command center that looks like it belongs in NASA or a SciFi movie! Massive screens track the locations of all the parts as well as the percent completion of every 787 aircraft in production. Reps from every company involved are also forced to man the command center (presumably so that if something goes wrong they can immediately be chewed out!) Manufacturing of the 787 is a modern, technologically, and communication savvy process that is extremely sophisticated and impressive!

A Beautiful Day Watching Air Operations

After the tour, we went back to the Future of Flight museum to look around. We got to play in a real cockpit, design our own aircraft, and experience an interactive tour of the engines. While we were playing like kids in a candy store, we had the misfortune of hearing the massive wind-up of 4 Rolls Royce jet engines that indicated we missed the take off of one of the enormous Dreamlifters. Because of that, though, we discovered that there was an observation deck with a cafe where we could watch the testing air operations for the new aircraft!

Sitting on the Stratodeck watching Boeing Air Operations

The tour was more than I could have expected. Boeing really took care of their guests, providing access without disruption, and allowing complete viewing of the aircraft manufacturing process. The galleries and viewing areas were impeccably designed and furnished, and very comfortable. I could not ask for a better experience in a factory! If you are in Everett, the Boeing Future of Flight Tour is a must see!

More pictures of the day:

Tonight, we have a mission.

Tonight, I must write a blog post…and thereby earn a bottle of Champagne.

The quote at the top comes from the excellent novel The Manual of Detection by Jedediah Berry, of which I have at this juncture read precisely 51%, according to the reading machine that Champagne-wielding husband of mine purchased me for the Christmas holiday.

I also highly recommend The Widow Clicquot, a biography of Veuve Clicquot, by Tilar J. Mazzeo.  A bit thin on evidence, but what she lacks in details of the woman herself, she makes up for in reams of delightful Champagne facts.  I read this one thanks to my local library.

Other recently enjoyed reads via reading machine:

The Year of the Flood, a novel by Margaret Atwood.  A companion to Oryx and Crake, a novel my copy of which I ironically lost in what I have dubbed the “Ben’s-truck-trunk-book-flooding-incident,” this is a fantastic post-apocalyptic tale by (in my opinion) one of the most astounding authors writing in English today.  I recommend not only these but the many others by her I have read–The Blind Assassin, The Edible Woman, The Robber Bride, The Handmaid’s Tale (don’t bother with the film), and her short story collection Good Bones are all excellent, and utterly engaging.

The Lacuna, by Barbara Kingsolver.  Orwellian in theme, but in ways both more subtle and more direct, she looks to the past to spin a novel of fiction from facts.  I must give props to KPLU 88.5, my local NPR affiliate, for alerting me to this novel.  (In fact, I owe that radio station for one book, one pre-ordered book, two cds and a single that I have purchased in the last month, all with great success and all, incidentally, via download.)

The Little Stranger, by Sarah Waters.  This one, a sort of neo-Gothic horror story set in postwar Britain, had me scared to stop reading–on more than one occasion, I simply read until I fell asleep, because I could only achieve calm through complete brain shutdown.  At one point, reading in bed with husband and dog, a sort of normal and banal rattling sound came from the general vicinity of the garage.  Winston, predictably, woofed–and I, unexpectedly, shrieked.  Just a little, but still, Ben has made fun of me for a week.

And finally, I will admit that the reading machine in question, Amazon’s Kindle, was probably the best gift I’ve ever received that I didn’t want.  My reading rate has gone from the odd book, here and there, to nearly grade-school levels again (when reading was my primary activity, I stayed up late under the covers every night, and leaving a book in progress felt like breaking an enchantment or waking from a deep sleep).  So, Ben, you win.

But now I’ve written a blog post, so I win too!  “The Devil’s in the details…”

After living in China where you don’t need an ID, wait in a line, pay a cover, nor even really look nice to get into a decent club or swanky bar, the exclusivity and judging atmosphere of some clubs in DC are rather off-putting. I know that the perception of exclusivity is a good business strategy for clubs, as it attracts well-dressed, well-moneyed clientele who will make the club look good and spend lots of money, but to me it just seems oddly counter intuitive to create an unwelcoming atmosphere for customers. I’ve personally never had an issue getting into a club (being young, female and reasonably attractive is certainly an advantage), but it does make me distinctly uncomfortable to enter a place that has dozens of large bouncers standing around doing nothing but hogging floor space.
My biggest problem is with a club called Lima, which has a salsa night on Mondays that I regularly attend. There is always a relatively good showing for it being a Monday (there are plenty of salsa enthusiasts in DC), but nothing extraordinary, it’s certainly not packed, and as most people have to work the next day, no heavy drinking occurs to incite rowdy shenanigans. Yet despite this, there are always four to five big guys in suits standing around the club watching the salsa dancers do their thing. It is really hard to dance well and be carefree about it when there is a guy just a foot away watching you. Of course, I know that he is surveying the whole room, and not just watching me and internally critiquing my dancing skills (although he could be), but it is still an odd feeling. It’s MONDAY, and people are there to salsa dance specifically, not a scenario that would call for 5 bouncers to be in the room. I can’t imagine how many they would have for a typical Friday or Saturday night, but then again, I probably wouldn’t go to Lima if it weren’t for the salsa. I’m not a “there to be seen” type of person, and it is certainly that type of club. Get me back to Beijing where I could go to a club in my PJs and dance without anyone looking twice!

Compared to many Americans, I do not drive very often. This is due to the fact that in DC there are many incentives for not driving (parking is expensive/unavailable, DC meter maids are the most vigilant in the world, and public transportation is cheap and abundant). Plus, my time in China has led to a strong preference for biking, and any car transportation needs are easily provided by family members. As such, I only drive about once or twice a month, which keeps my driving skills and emergency know-how at a persistently rusty level. This makes any unforeseen car problems all the more difficult for me to handle. Luckily, there are the Michelle Obamas of the world that are there to offer help.

As I was driving back to Maryland from DC today, I stopped at a traffic light as per usual traffic regulations. When the light turned green, I hit the gas to find that my car suddenly wouldn’t move. Confused, I check everything and discover that the car’s engine had inexplicably shut off. Thinking it was a mere stall, I turn the ignition once, twice, thrice…nothing. The ignition was turning, but the engine would not catch…my car was dead in the middle of the road. Cars started to honk behind me (I was in the left lane of a two lane road) and I realized the desperation of my situation. I was by myself, obstructing traffic, and completely unsure of what to do. I decided that since I couldn’t move the car by myself, my best option was to turn on the hazards, call my dad, and sit there pathetically until help arrived. Perhaps if I looked miserable enough, other drivers wouldn’t be so mad that I had created a traffic jam. So, I sat there. After five minutes, a cop pulled up and asked if I had called a tow truck. I told him that my dad had called one, and the cop told me that he had a round to make, but that if I was still there after he made his round, he would help me push the car to the side. Thinking that he was just going to loop around and be back in a few minutes, I waved off a taxi driver who stopped on the other side of the median and asked if I needed help. 10 minutes later, I was still in the middle of the road, when a figure suddenly taps on my window. It was a well dressed, middle-aged African-American woman in high heels and a fur coat. She first asked me if I was okay (which I thought was an interesting, but kind way of inquiring why the heck I was stopped in the middle of the road), and I tell her that I am fine, but the car is not. She then takes command, telling me to put the car in neutral and turn off the parking brake, and without any further ado gets behind the car and begins to push. I might also add that it was freezing cold out with high winds. A passing biker, probably shamed that a middle-age woman in high heels was pushing the car by herself in freezing weather also stopped, and together they got the car off the road. I thanked them profusely, and they both left. At this point, my parents and tow truck were on the way, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

But the altruism of the Michelle Obama look-alike didn’t stop there. Apparently she had gone back to get her car, which meant she was not a passer-by as I had previously thought, but had specifically pulled over to help me out. Then she came back for me, and offered to give me a ride to a Starbucks or the metro station so I wouldn’t have to freeze in the car. Talk about kind-hearted! I was about to take her up on her offer when I got a call from my mom that she and my dad were only 15 minutes away. Thanking the woman, I told her I would be rescued soon, and with a cry of “Happy New Year!” she drove off. If there was such a thing as a New Year’s Fairy, it would be that woman. Thanks again First-Lady-Look-Alike!

Winston presents THE GLAMORIZER

Very rarely, I utilize the government-provided retail facility that provides high-end goods at tax-free prices to which I am entitled by virtue of my job. Yesterday was one of those magical days, and magical it was. Dear reader, I will tell you why.

“In less than two minutes, we will be giving away an exciting advertising product at the black-and-red giveaway counter. Please make your way toward the flashing light, near the electronics and magazine sections, to take part in this exciting giveaway offer!”

We heard those words while perusing the kitchen gadgetry and knew that we must heed the call. Making our way with appropriate urgency to said booth, we stood around, warily eyeing the others who had also decided to listen to the disembodied female voice promising free swag. Soon enough, an animated young woman made her way purposefully to the booth, climbed up, and started rattling a large box of…something. Something free. Something we would soon have in our hot little hands.

Slowly, allowing the excitement to build, she pulled out…an oddly shaped black plastic knife. No, not an oddly shaped black plastic knife–a GLAMORIZER!

“Some people like to use these to scale fish, but what they are actually for is…GARNISHING!!!” she said enthusiastically, pulling out what looked like a normal melon but what was revealed to be a melon basket full of berries. Handing out glamorizers to all the adults in the audience, she then pulled out a few more tools–a spiral cutter, a paring knife, and a twenty-page book that teaches you to turn a humble cucumber into a fearsome shark that will float in a punch bowl. Setting those things aside, with a promise to tell use about how to get the full set later (because really, why a glamorizer if you don’t also have the spiral cutter, paring knife, and book that teaches you to turn a carrot, a green pepper, and a potato into a palm tree?), she turned to the reason we were all really there.

The MASTER CUT 2.

Not available on any store shelves, the Master Cut 2 is a knife. No–it’s more than just a knife. It’s a godsend. It’s not a hacksaw, but you can use it that way (it will, after all, cut the head of a hammer–I saw it). It cuts paper-thin slices of tomato, after you cut into the head of a hammer. You can drop it down a running food disposal and the company will send you a new one if it’s damaged. It has a spearing end so you can cut your turkey and serve it all with one hand, leaving the other free to write a sonnet or mop a floor. It’s been rated the best bread knife in the world. YOU WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO HAVE THIS KNIFE!

“It costs $29.99 and we do not apologize for that price, because it comes with an unconditional lifetime guarantee. But, I can do this…I can spend $29.99 with you and give you a second MASTER CUT 2!”

At this point, a few of the crowd left, but most of us stayed, in what I believed was hope for more no-strings-attached free stuff. The pitch continued.

“If you buy the MASTER CUT 2 today, and remember it’s not on any store shelves, not only will you get a second MASTER CUT 2, both with lifetime guarantees, I’ll also give you the full garnishing kit…”

And, it turned out, four steak knives, and a chef’s knife. It was a classic “But wait, there’s more!” pitch–it was, in fact, a live infomercial. I found out why the people in the studio audience are always nodding–the pitchperson nods at you, and it’s an instinctual reaction to nod along. I found out that you really can cut into a hammer head with a triple-tempered surgical steel blade. I found out that most of the people in the audience weren’t waiting for more free stuff–by the end of the program, I would say she achieved about 75% sales. Not bad when most of the people came based on the promise of receiving what turned out to be a plastic garnishing tool that retails for “up to $7-8.”

We were a part of the 25% who walked away with just our glamorizers to show and a tale to tell–as Ben said, “I prefer my cooking utensils classic and French.” But I unconditionally guarantee to remember that knife and the experience for a lifetime.

Scene from the Ballet "Red Detachment of Women"

Sunday was Women’s Day, and I celebrated by doing a stereotypically feminine thing -going to the ballet. The ballet was a revolutionary Communist creation titled the “Red Detachment of Women,” a propaganda piece that only mildly resembled classical Western ballet. If you are familiar with ballet, or recently seen the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, then you know that ballet is all about the lines. In this ballet, the dancers certainly had a line, but not what I would consider a classical ballet line. Rather, the lines were more rooted in tai ji and martial arts, and in some cases were dissolved all together when the ballet veered off in the direction of traditional Chinese folk dance. Of course at the time this ballet was created (it premiered in 1963 at the very same theater we went to on Sunday-wonder which seat Mao sat in…) the anti-rightest, anti-capitalist, and anti-West mentality was in full swing. Anything deemed bourgeois or Western was immediately labeled counter-revolutionary and banned. Ballet of course, is a typically Western art form, and the only way it survived in Maoist China was by radically changing the form and content. Although the most fundamental principles of ballet were retained, a lot was changed to purge its bourgeoisie nature. In fact, several dance moves were strictly prohibited, including the pas de deux and echappe. Also, using these French names was also banned. Grace and beauty, principle tenets of Western ballet, were replaced with strength and militarism. In fact, the dancers all underwent military training in order to rehearse the ballet. According the history of the ballet printed in the program, “An army general pointed out that the female dancers looked like women [no duh], not soldiers. They immediately stopped rehearsing and sent the dancers…for military training.” As result of this training, clenched fists replaced elegant hand movements, pirhouettes were sharp and precise, leaps were meticulously timed, and all throughout dancers were dressed in soldier’s uniforms carrying assorted weaponry -swords, handguns and long rifles. The most shocking moment of the ballet, given that it is indeed a ballet, is when the evil landlord is shot. As he staggers off into the horizon, half-dead, the Red Army steps into formation and shoots after him, firing simultaneously, shot after shot after shot. It was in the most literal sense of the word, overkill. Chairman Mao’s impression of the ballet also cracks me up. 方向是对的， 革命是成功的，艺术上也是好的。 “The direction was correct, the revolution was successful..the artistry was also good.” His last comment on the artistry seems a mere afterthought, which it probably was. We all know what Mao’s priorities were, and it was definitely not art or culture. But, despite the overtly communist connotations of the ballet, it was still highly entertaining and culturally enlightening. I would certainly place this ballet among the so-called 70% good that came out of Mao’s China.

Everyone knows that food is an important part of culture, and nowhere is it so evident than in China. Whereas food in nearly all cultures is important for physical and social reasons, food in China has a stunning variety of importance attached to it. Banquets are frequently used as a lubricant to butter up government officials and wheedle business deals; “Have you eaten?” has been and still is a common expression of greeting in China instead of a plain “hello”.

Everyone knows that food is an important part of culture, and nowhere is it so evident than in China. Whereas food in nearly all cultures is important for physical and social reasons, food in China has a stunning variety of importance attached to it. Banquets are frequently used as a lubricant to butter up government officials and wheedle business deals; “Have you eaten?” has been and still is a common expression of greeting in China instead of a plain “hello”; Traditional medicine lays great emphasis on holistically altering your body’s chemistry by advocating and prohibiting the ingestion of certain foods and herbs; Plenty of symbolism and superstition are attached to certain types of foods (I’ve eaten a deep-fried fish eye because it would ‘bring me luck’); and even physical beauty is associated with things that you can chew, swallow and digest.

Peter Hessler offers amusing insight on this last subject when he shares what his Chinese students of English envision “Shakespeare’s woman through Chinese eyes” to be like. Apparently this beauty would have fingers as “slim as the root of an onion….so slender that scallions can’t compare with them,” her skin would be “soft and white, like cooked fat,” and her waist would be soft as “water grass”.

Food and physical beauty seem to have quite the connection in Chinese culture. Kao Tzu, a Chinese philosopher, did after all say “Appetite for food and sex is nature.” This being the case, some Chinese expressions link food and female anatomy more scandulously, and a seemingly innocent phrase about eating something may not be as innocent as one might think, as Andy found at recently.

There are a lot of phrases in the Chinese language that use the word “to eat” in a non-scandoulous way: 吃苦 chi ku is a commonly used phrase that means “eat bitter,” in other words, suffer/endure hardship. 吃醋 Chi Cu literally means “eat vinegar,” in other words be jealous ( primarily in a love affair).

After his coworker invited his usual Starbucks buddy to go downstairs for coffee and they both forgot to invite him, Andy playfully pretended to be jealous when they got back. His Chinese coworker told him that he loved to Chi Cu (be jealous). Andy, jokingly says he just loves to Chi Doufu.

吃豆腐 Chi Doufu – literally means to “eat tofu,” and according to my Chinese dictionary means “1) to tease; flirt; 2) engage in minor sexual harrassment.” Aside from the fact that flirting and sexual harrassment, even “minor” sexual harrassment, are verrrry different things, neither of these meanings are correct.

Upon utterance of these words, the Chinese coworker gasps in horror. Andy of course doesn’t understand her reaction, until after much coaxing he finally gets her to reveal the real meaning of this phrase. Apparently it means, in the words of the Chinese coworker, to “lick breasts.”

I missed my weekly bike ride this weekend because the air pollution was too bad to even be outdoors for more than an hour, much less exercise heavily. I also decided to skip an outdoor pool party, but still managed to float around in an indoor pool for a couple hours with friends. Overall, we were trapped indoors all weekend because the air resembled pea soup. Except not green, just white/gray.

I missed my weekly bike ride this weekend because the air pollution was too bad to even be outdoors for more than an hour, much less exercise heavily. I also decided to skip an outdoor pool party, but still managed to float around in an indoor pool for a couple hours with friends. Overall, we were trapped indoors all weekend because the air resembled pea soup. Except not green, just white/gray.

The air pollution index has been over 100 for the past four days. 113 on Thurs, 110 Friday, 115 on Saturday, and on Sunday it hit 125 right before the measurement deadline (Caijing Magazine).

However, despite the pollution index reports, the government assures us that the air quality is not as bad as it looks. Regard this sentence from a magazine article quoting a government official. “…..Haze/Fog does not represent air pollution. He [the govt official] expresses that this haze/fog decreases air visibility, but ‘it is like being in a bathroom taking a shower where you can’t see the person across from you.’”