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Well I finally got my aroma de chien all sorted out and perfect when I got the bath attack! It was awful! I haven’t had a bath in a month or so, and everything on me was starting to smell good again. Then, the best thing happened when Mom and I were going for a run along the canal- I spotted (well, sniffed) a pile of new goose poo! Before my mom knew what was happening, I rushed into the bush, started rolling and rubbing my head in it! I smelled like a new dog!

Mom was disgusted, but really didn’t notice that much. I was feeling great, smelling good, ready to go look for some ladies… when Dad got home. I ran, excited that he should smell my new parfume which is much better than any eau de toillette (unless something is in the toillette). Needless to say, I ran excited to jump on him, and ended up scraping against the wall leaving a trail of poo on it. Now, both Dad and Mom could see AND smell what had happened.

Instantly I was rushed up to the bath, mom even got in with me, held me down, and scrubbed me three times! It was awful, all that hard work. Dad washed the wall (he was dressed in a suit and tie because of his interviews).

Luckily, even with all the scrubbing, mom missed a spot in my ear! Dad now calls me stink ear, but they have let me have it there!

I hate socks.

I hate them because every time I see my dad or mom put them on, it means that they are going away. They only wear flip flops or slippers in the house, and they take their shoes off at the door, so that means if they start to put on socks, they are going to put on shoes, and that means that they are leaving.

It isn’t all bad.

Sometimes they are going to take me for a walk, or to fly kites. Other times if mom puts on tennis shoes, it means we are going for a run! But most of the time, they are going to leave, and that means I have to be in my kennel missing them, which is terrible for a puppy.

Socks are to blame.

I guess the socks are what compels them to leave. When they put on socks they are different, they try to get me to go outside, to get me in my kennel, they give me treats (but not in an affectionate way, it is more guilty like they hate to leave- the socks make them do it) , they run around looking for coats, keys, wallets, whatever else humans need, and then they are gone. And all because of the socks.

So I will do something.

I have decided that since socks are the worst thing for this house- that I will chew them whenever possible. I will steal them out of the laundry basket; I will steal them out of the closet; when they are on the floor I will grab them; when Dad tries to put them on his feet I will block him; I will do everything in my power to end the evil of the socks.

So far its been an uphill struggle.

My plan, in effect, has allowed me to wage destruction on the socks- so far the casualties for the socks have been high- holes in the hell, toes ripped off, whole sock roles hidden in my kennel and under the bed, and the most I get is yelled at, occasionally.

What happens to the holey socks?

They get thrown out.

So join me fellow puppies, and help me wage war against the evil sock! Let them no longer take our parents, but rather stand up for them and protect them from those evil deeds of the wool! Eat them! Chew them! Hide them! We are no longer defenseless against their power!

Woof!

It is something called “Zero-Week” here in Oxford, and apparently that means that the dog gets zero attention. I have spent most of my time in the above position: finding sun where I can, moving around the house as the sunlight spots through different windows. I start in the office, then go downstairs to the dining room, then back upstairs to mom’s office, then downstairs to the bay window- and that is all I do now. It is terrible!

Mom and Dad are being so boring! Dad leaves in the morning, comes back, makes breakfast, cleans up. Mom gets up, and starts reading or tapping on her laptop. They eat breakfast, then Dad starts reading too! Then both Dad and Mom start clacking away on their computers (not giving me any time on them, which is why I am blogging so infrequently!). Then Dad will go out and run errands, mom showers around 1, Dad comes home, they make lunch (barely giving me any of it), then Dad cleans up again, and mom goes back to reading. Only twice this week did they take a break to cuddle on the couch and watch movies with me! (Singing in the Rain- 2 paws up, but they should have had a dog in it and Little Miss Sunshine- I give maybe a half a paw, I really didn’t understand it, plus I had a carrot to play with during the movie).

So now I just sit around entertaining myself, chasing my tail, chasing the sun, etc. Luckily now the dog door is open because the weather is nice, so I can come and go outside as I please, I think I have brought an entire tree’s worth of sticks through the door to chew on mom’s “good blanket”!

Woof!

Well, its spring- and all the crazy furless humans are going into the sky. I just don’t understand their obsession for flying in crazy colorful things so high up in the sky, its madness! Needless to say, I have only recently learned to look up and see things, at first, I didn’t think there was much you could see up… I mean I know that birds fly, but when they’re in the air, you can’t catch them, so why look up? The only things that matter are on the ground, or in jumping distance where you can get to them.

This problem was compounded by looking through glass. I don’t look through glass, I look at it. I mean, who would think that you could look through something? These two things combined, did weird things when I was trying to meet my friend Monty. Monty lives in a little bay window in one of the shops on the street we live on, its about 3 feet up, and has glass on it. For a while I was so confused, because every time we walked by mom and dad would get excited and would keep trying to show me the glass. But it was just glass, and nothing special, there were much more interesting smells around! But then I could also hear the glass barking… it was weird.

Needless to say, I finally figured it out, while sitting on my mom’s lap looking out the office window. One day it got warm so they opened the office window, and I realized that I was looking out, not at something like the TV, that it was real. I got really scared, and ran downstairs out my doggy door to the place I recognized. I could hear my mom and dad laughing at me and calling my name, but I couldn’t tell where they were coming from- I looked every where on the ground for them, but couldn’t find them. Finally I looked… up, and there they were, where I just was!

I ran upstairs and looked down, then downstairs and looked up, it was a whole new world! It was amazing! I must say, I like heights so much, too, because I can see farther, and it feels like I am much bigger, from ground level everything is much, much bigger than I am, but from higher up, I am king! That is why I like to sit on the stairs and look down, and in the upstairs windows and look at the street, and in my chair and look out the window, it is great!

So now that I look up, and through, I can see all sorts of things I have never seen before: kites, hot air balloons, big birds, and even Monty in the window!

So Dad and Mom watch a lot of movies, which is great for me because that means extra couch time and a lot of attention. Recently they have been watching a great deal of Indian movies, and historical period pieces- and they noticed something interesting. There is a trend in modern movies to portray the British as bad guys or colonists who are snooty but evil! I mean, really how could that be? Not to quote John Stewart (which I also watch) but “the reason the British controlled two thirds of the world is because everyone was too busy sniggering at our fairy accents to fight back!” Seriously, we do tea, nuff said.

Needless to say, it brings up an interesting family dynamic- I am the colonizer! Dad and Mom are both from previous colonial sections of the empire- from two very far away, vastly different places- and I bring them together! I mean without me, they wouldn’t be a family for sure! I even proudly wear the Union Jack to show how my family couldn’t exist without my colonial help.

Now, if only they could learn to play cricket- obviously the dog always gets the ball!

Woof!

Yesterday was bath day… after most of the morning laying with mom on the couch while she read her schoolbooks, she finally decided that I was one stinky dog, and that if I wanted to continue to lie on the couch with her, I needed a bath….

I have had a bath once before- after a particularly wet and nasty day out at the meadow, I returned home covered in mud. Dad decided that it was time for a bath, so he and mom went to the vet (speaking of mom, if you are reading this, go to the vet and get my worming medicine!) and bought some doggy shampoo and plopped me in the bathtub. Unsuspicious the first time, I was just amused at the shiny, white, slipperiness of the thing and I just played around a little bit, but then the water started. It wasn’t the good water like at the meadow, it was jet water that was getting me soaked. Immediately I flipped out and tried to bail out of the tub, not wanting to get wet. At least the water was warm, but you get cold when you’re wet, even if the water is hot. But I was held down. That day, I learned my lesson- stay away from the white, shiny, slippery thing.

Whats odd, is that mom and dad occasionally get into the other clear looking thing, and I know water comes out over there- I have tried to drink it several times (while avoiding the bathtub) they look perfectly happy over in the other one, why can’t I go over there? But actually, I know I don’t want to, because they always come out dripping wet, and if I am in the bathroom when they get out (usually because one of them has let me in by accident) then I can lick the wetness of their legs and toes! I think I am doing them a favor, but they get mad… especially mom!

Well, Dad was busy yesterday when mom decided to give me a bath so she decided to do it herself. However, I was a little wiser this time and started fighting as soon as she picked me up to go to that slippery white shinny death cold thing. I think I fought bravely, but she eventually overpowered me and there was nothing I could do. I kept barking and whining, but to no effect. Dad came to see what was up, and instead of helping me, he just laughed and grabbed the camera! Can you believe that?

Needless to say, both mom and I were unsatisfied with the bath. Me because I got wet, mom because I didn’t get clean, and both of us because now the bathroom (the warmest room in the house) was soaked and smelled like wet dog for the rest of the day. I mean seriously, do you think I like wet dog smell? Of course not! If I did, then I would be happy to get wet…

The TV, you might be surprised to find out, is one of my favorite things in the entire world! Don’t get me wrong- I am not fooled by the noise or the colored pictures going across the screen. I know they aren’t real, and to be honest, I am not sure why my parents are so infatuated with it, it seems a little ridiculous to pay attention to a gray box with funny noises that makes light, especially when I am so cute, and hanging out right there!

It is my favorite thing because when the gray box makes noise and flashes is light, I have the attention of my parents! They sit on the couch (my favorite place) and I can play, look out the window, or sleep on them. They’ll throw my ball while watching TV, or pet me, and it is generally very comfortable. And- more importantly- they are home when that box is on! I don’t like it when they leave, so that is very good, I think. When they are upstairs with those paper things that they read, or at the other light boxes that make sound (the computers I think) they just ignore me, and clatter away at those key thingys. Sometimes I get to sit on mom’s lap, but they are usually absorbed, and I just have to chill.

The gray box downstairs is a wonderful thing. It is too bad that I heard they may be getting rid of it soon! I don’t know why! They spend more time there than they do upstairs.

Last night Paul came over. I went crazy! I love seeing new people, they are so much fun, but it is weird for me. For instance, I love making new friends and I wag my tail so hard I think it will fly off. I jump up and try to lick them or bite them so that they will play with me and they’ll know I want to be friends. But then they usually get mad or kick me off, or dad and mom grabs me and I just don’t understand why- I mean I am being more polite than most of dogs are.

So far my favorite is Nick- he’ll let me chew anything- his watch, his belt, his hand. And he’ll wrestle me and lets me bite. Mom and Dad don’t seem to appreciate that Nick knows what a dog wants. Other people are afraid of dogs- I mean seriously, how can you be afraid of dogs? I mean, what could I do? A little dog like me couldn’t eat you. I guess there is a cultural difference to Dogs, and Oxford being so international, there are a lot of cultures I get to meet.

For instance- Greek people love Dogs. Artemis- the girl who is doing something with the living room, was very excited to see me, and I was excited to see her, but she didn’t let me nip her, so that was kind of dull.

Caribbean people don’t like me at all, they move away from me when I jump at them, and I have to bark at them so they will pay attention to me, which seems to make them even more unhappy. Why? I don’t know, my dad seems to like me just fine.

British people, especially old people love me! They say I am a real dog, and will let me jump and bite even on their nice clothes when I go for walks! They say the weirdest things, but I think it may be because they understand dogs! I ran into an old lady on my last walk, and she grabbed me and played with me, it was a lot of fun! She even said I looked like Winston Churchill, whoever that is, he must be handsome, though, because he has my name!

My only problem is when other people sit on my dad’s chair. But I have a trick to get them off. I jump on their laps, climbing my way up if I have to, then I nip at them until they try to get me off. When they lean forward, I get behind them and push them from the back of the seat until they have to get off! It seems to work- I have already managed it on Paul and Sasha, and no one else seems willing to try!

Its so exciting to see new people, I wish they would like me as much as I like them!

Woof!