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Winston presents THE GLAMORIZER

Very rarely, I utilize the government-provided retail facility that provides high-end goods at tax-free prices to which I am entitled by virtue of my job. Yesterday was one of those magical days, and magical it was. Dear reader, I will tell you why.

“In less than two minutes, we will be giving away an exciting advertising product at the black-and-red giveaway counter. Please make your way toward the flashing light, near the electronics and magazine sections, to take part in this exciting giveaway offer!”

We heard those words while perusing the kitchen gadgetry and knew that we must heed the call. Making our way with appropriate urgency to said booth, we stood around, warily eyeing the others who had also decided to listen to the disembodied female voice promising free swag. Soon enough, an animated young woman made her way purposefully to the booth, climbed up, and started rattling a large box of…something. Something free. Something we would soon have in our hot little hands.

Slowly, allowing the excitement to build, she pulled out…an oddly shaped black plastic knife. No, not an oddly shaped black plastic knife–a GLAMORIZER!

“Some people like to use these to scale fish, but what they are actually for is…GARNISHING!!!” she said enthusiastically, pulling out what looked like a normal melon but what was revealed to be a melon basket full of berries. Handing out glamorizers to all the adults in the audience, she then pulled out a few more tools–a spiral cutter, a paring knife, and a twenty-page book that teaches you to turn a humble cucumber into a fearsome shark that will float in a punch bowl. Setting those things aside, with a promise to tell use about how to get the full set later (because really, why a glamorizer if you don’t also have the spiral cutter, paring knife, and book that teaches you to turn a carrot, a green pepper, and a potato into a palm tree?), she turned to the reason we were all really there.

The MASTER CUT 2.

Not available on any store shelves, the Master Cut 2 is a knife. No–it’s more than just a knife. It’s a godsend. It’s not a hacksaw, but you can use it that way (it will, after all, cut the head of a hammer–I saw it). It cuts paper-thin slices of tomato, after you cut into the head of a hammer. You can drop it down a running food disposal and the company will send you a new one if it’s damaged. It has a spearing end so you can cut your turkey and serve it all with one hand, leaving the other free to write a sonnet or mop a floor. It’s been rated the best bread knife in the world. YOU WOULD BE CRAZY NOT TO HAVE THIS KNIFE!

“It costs $29.99 and we do not apologize for that price, because it comes with an unconditional lifetime guarantee. But, I can do this…I can spend $29.99 with you and give you a second MASTER CUT 2!”

At this point, a few of the crowd left, but most of us stayed, in what I believed was hope for more no-strings-attached free stuff. The pitch continued.

“If you buy the MASTER CUT 2 today, and remember it’s not on any store shelves, not only will you get a second MASTER CUT 2, both with lifetime guarantees, I’ll also give you the full garnishing kit…”

And, it turned out, four steak knives, and a chef’s knife. It was a classic “But wait, there’s more!” pitch–it was, in fact, a live infomercial. I found out why the people in the studio audience are always nodding–the pitchperson nods at you, and it’s an instinctual reaction to nod along. I found out that you really can cut into a hammer head with a triple-tempered surgical steel blade. I found out that most of the people in the audience weren’t waiting for more free stuff–by the end of the program, I would say she achieved about 75% sales. Not bad when most of the people came based on the promise of receiving what turned out to be a plastic garnishing tool that retails for “up to $7-8.”

We were a part of the 25% who walked away with just our glamorizers to show and a tale to tell–as Ben said, “I prefer my cooking utensils classic and French.” But I unconditionally guarantee to remember that knife and the experience for a lifetime.

Last weekend, Andy, a friend and myself rode our bikes to one of the most famous outdoor markets in Beijing, Panjiayuan Market. Considering that the market is only one mile from our apartment and rather famous, Andy and I were both baffled that in our respective 4 and 2 years living in Beijing, we hadn’t been there even once. We remedied that last Saturday. Panjiayuan initially became famous as an “antiques” market. Unfortunately nowadays real antiques are hard to find, and much of it, like the rest of China, is “fake old” -newly created but made to look old (Think the remodeled Forbidden City, Qianmen and all the “historic” hutongs that were really knocked down and rebuilt in the past decade). However, if you’re not actually looking for antiques, Panjiayuan is a wonderful place. The outdoor market sprawls under a series of pavilions, with vendors displaying their goods on the ground or in crudely crafted stalls. You can buy anything from ceramics to coats of armor. And there aren’t only Chinese vendors, but foreign ones as well. I spotted a group of Africans selling wooden carvings of giraffes and elephants. It was interesting to see the reverse bartering, the Chinese customer trying to get a lower price and the foreign vendor refusing to budge. It was very amusing. I had a little trouble bartering at this market, as most of the vendors didn’t play by the rules. They quoted one price, and when I said it was too expensive and walked away, they did not ask me what my “best price” was. Maybe they could tell that I wasn’t really interested in parting with my money, who knows. In any case, I didn’t end up buying anything, but I did take over the bartering for a painting my friend wanted to buy. I have to admit it wasn’t my best haggling experience, but I believe the price was fair. 195 kuai for a large oil painting (initial asking price was 350). And in the end I did make purchases at the glasses market (“spectacles city”) next to Panjiayuan. One pair of glasses and two half-year contacts all for a grand total of $36. Not bad.

For the past two days I have been a Beijing shopping/tour guide for two elderly American ladies that are here in China on a tour. They arrived several days before their tour started, and wanted to take the time to do some serious luxury shopping. These ladies were actually friends of my friend’s mom, which is how we got in touch. This was their first time in China, they spoke no Chinese, and as they were a little more on the elderly side (they are both grandmothers, but still look great if they should by chance read this blog), I think comfort, convenience and air conditioning were their most pressing concerns when it came to going around Beijing. Thus they hired me to make sure they ended up at the right places, got good prices, and got around comfortably without having to worry about language differences, ordering food, or getting lost.

These ladies were incredibly sweet, but from first glance at their Hermes belts, Burberry bags, expensive watches (the brand I forget, but the Chinese bellhop at the hotel identified every single name brand they were wearing, which was fascinating but creepy at the same time), I was a little worried that they would not be able to hold up to the hustle, heat, bustle and bang of Beijing, especially since they were clearly accustomed to absolute comfort and ease.

The first day they wanted to do nothing but shop. So I took them to the pearl market, where we spent four hours looking at pearls, trying on pendants, and experiencing excellent service from “Tom” who had perfect English when it came to talking about pearls, their quality, shape, luster. The pearl shop we went to had been recommended by the hotel, and prices of course were through the roof, but I found out it was nothing compared to pearls in the States, where a quality string of pearls can be in the 10,000s. The walls of the shop were covered in framed photographs of female presidents and first ladies who had bought pearls at their shop, including Barbara Bush and several of the Finnish Madame President who is an annual returning customer.

Both of them bought a couple of items, and in terms of the amount saved from the original price to the haggled price, I think it was one of my most successful bargaining experiences. Because they bought three strings of pearls, we negotiated to knock off about 700 USD total. Tom of course told me not to tell others what we got the price down to, but then he also asked me to bring others to his store if I got any more tour guide gigs. Maybe I should be taking a cut.

The next day they wanted to tour some art galleries, so I took them to 798, a widely acclaimed modern art district. The previous day, they had almost died in the taxi because air circulation was bad, and since they were staying at a relatively new hotel, few taxi drivers new where it was. One of the ladies wanted to go home earlier since she was running out of steam, but I had so much trouble finding a taxi driver who knew the place, and she wasn’t comfortable going by herself with a driver who didn’t know exactly where he was going. This time, we found a “taxi” who ran business out of a black Lexus. There was no plastic gate around the driver and the air circulations was better, so the ladies asked me to ask the driver if he was willing to be our personal driver for the day. For five hundred kuai, he was at a our beck and call for the whole day, which was nice. With a driver willing to go anywhere, I had him detour so that they could see the new Bird’s Nest stadium and Aquatics Center which are being built for the Olympics. The driver not only drove by, but stopped the car up close so we could get pictures, which was a treat for me since I have only seen the structures passing by on the highway.

All in all it was successful and fun. Being paid to go shopping and sightseeing was really nice. Plus as I am a planning guru and people-person who loves to talk about China, it was especially rewarding and applicable work. Plus, I am “cute.” Whatever that exactly means, it works in my favor, especially when it comes to charming old ladies.